In 2016 America seemed to scarcely go a month without losing some treasured cultural icon. Prince, Leonard Cohen, David Bowie, Carrie Fisher, Debbie Reynolds, Arnold Palmer, Alan Thicke, and Alan Rickman all passed this year, to name a few. The list goes on. Even Patti Duke, Nancy Reagan, and Muhammad Ali are on the sad, mile-long list of lives claimed by 2016. It went so far toward the end of the year that a petition was started to protect Betty White from 2016.
Even though 2016 brought with it so many tragic deaths, 2017 is proving to be the definitive year of tragic deaths. Here we have collected a few of the obituaries that we’ve written this year.
Irony – Irony died suddenly in January of this year. When it learned that in 2017 the Catholic church is more supportive of science than the United States government, Irony suffered a major brain aneurysm rupture.
Irony was found face down in a bowl of oatmeal. In front of it a newspaper with the front page article outlined President Donald Trump’s steadfastly held belief that global warming is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.
Immediately upon reading the article, Irony’s mind jumped back two years to Pope Francis stating that evolution and the big bang are real. Irony fought to remain alive, for a moment trying to stave off thoughts of the centuries of science suppression from the Catholic church. It didn’t work.
Irony was greeted on the other side by a baffled Copernicus and Galileo.
Hyperbole died quietly in its sleep, a fact that people may have taken note of if Irony hadn’t died earlier in the month. Hyperbole started feeling ill when Donald Trump claimed that his inauguration crowd looked like, “a million, a million and a half…”
Shortly before retiring to bed that cold Winter day, Hyperbole watched the news and saw a report of Donald Trump’s entirely baseless claim that he would have won the popular vote if 3-5 million people hadn’t somehow conspired to vote multiple times, been able to do so and keep the secret, and somehow never thought that they should do so in states the Democrats weren’t guaranteed to win.
Normally, before turning to go upstairs for bed Hyperbole made grandiose claims about how many years it would sleep or how tired it was. That day Hyperbole quietly ascended while contemplating the futility of life without inherent meaning.
Nuance fell to the floor in the office break room and never woke up after reading the Trump administration’s plan to actual go through with the childishly simplistic plan to force the government to remove two regulations for every new regulation put into place.
Nuance muttered to itself for a minute. A coworker standing nearby relayed some of the message, saying that Nuance was talking about the fact that, “regulations” are not monolithic, and they are as varied as almost anything can be. Some of them are overly burdensome and costly while others provide necessary protections and have overwhelmingly positive cost to benefit ratios. On Nuance’s way to the floor it managed to get out a bit more, saying that it is necessary in a capitalistic society to have some rules that protect the public interest from the profit motive of corporations and individuals.
The cause of Nuance’s death is still up for debate. The coroner said it was something to do with the heart, but seemed unable to discern the finer points of the diagnosis.
Decency’s family made the painful decision to pull the plug last Wednesday. Decency had been on life support since the Summer brought with it the infamous Access Hollywood tapes wherein the future President of the United States gleefully regaled Billy Bush with tales of sexual assault.
Three recent news stories prompted Decency’s family to lose hope that Decency could ever live in this world again. First, Donald Trump’s press conference with UK Prime Minister Theresa May gave them doubt when Trump repeatedly spoke out of turn, off the cuff, and referred to her by her first name.
The second report that informed their agonizing decision was Donald Trump reportedly telling the Mexican President that he’d send in American troops if Mexico didn’t take care of the, “bad hombres,” down there.
When they heard the report that Trump threw a fit and hung up the phone on the Australian Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull, Decency’s family knew what they had to do.
Those are just a few of the obituaries we’ve had to write this year. There will be more. We hear the constitution is a bit under the weather these days. Stay tuned for more. 2017’s body count is sure to climb.